You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize