you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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