I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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