My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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