3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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