please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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