He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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