i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
there is puke in my bra ... again
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
