I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
