If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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