Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
