Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
