I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
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