he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She needs sedatives and a leash
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
