Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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