I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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