I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
