grandma shit on top of the toilet
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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