I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
