Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You left your phone here
Wait...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
