I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
