Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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