Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
