I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
