flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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