I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
