I like my sex mixed with concussions.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
