so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
