you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
