So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
