Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
