So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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