Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
