I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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