Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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