a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
