if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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