You're a womanizer and a bitch.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
