I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
