Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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