Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
