your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
