Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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