someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
it glows. i had to have it.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
