I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
