It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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