In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
