Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
