my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
