I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
