my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
