New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
