I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
