Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
