New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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