I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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