Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
