Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
