Jerry, you need to find god
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
