Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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