I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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